Glass Masquerade

Today, I was debating about what I wanted to post. I thought about posting a real blog, I thought about posting a poem I wrote recently. I eventually decided on actually writing a post, and I even had this really good idea... I just changed my mind. Literally, when I opened the browser window. I'm going to give you the poem. The title is as it says up there- "Glass Masquerade." I wrote it for one of my classes and turned it in yesterday... it got peer reviewed, and pretty much everyone said they liked it. There was a little confusion here and there, but overall it got a good response. Anyway, I want to share it with anyone and everyone who might read this, and I really do want to know what you think. Anything from one word to a couple paragraphs (or more, if you like), I'm open to anything. Comment anonymously if you like. Whatever. I've recently been getting much more into poetry, and I really want to know if it makes any sort of sense to anyone else. So yeah. Here goes.

--

It was the night

Of your 23rd birthday

When we danced.

I didn't know you,

Nor you me,

And we were wearing masks.

You were leaning against a wall,

Out of the way,

When I found you.

You were quiet, so
I stayed.

I didn't hate you.

Silence only lasts so long;

They found us,

And we had to stop hiding.

You asked me inside your eyes:

"Please." Just please.

I agreed.

You took my hand, and

They let you go.

You can't be stopped, after all,

Whether you're smiling or

Not. But this time you did

And I was happy.

We danced that night,

In circles, together.

And we were wearing masks.

Change

It amazes me how much people change in a fairly short period of time. Just a little while ago, just for the heck of it, I was creeping around facebook, looking at pictures of people I didn’t go a day without seeing back in high school; people who were my best friends. Not trying to brag here, but there are quite a few of them. Now, I hardly keep in touch with any of them. Almost none of them, in fact. It kinda got me wondering about a few things:

What happened? (Who knows?)

When did we lose touch? (ditto)

Why did we lose touch? (…)

Was it because of college? (… quite possibly, at least indirectly)

Have they changed? (Some of them, yes; some habits, yes; others not.)

Have I changed? (Yes.)

Do I know anything about them anymore? (Not really, not anything important)

Do they know anything about me? (Probably not.)

Do they still think about high school sometimes? (I hope so.)

Would I ever want to go back to high school? (Goodness gracious no, but I’m glad for all the experiences, good and bad.)

Do they think they still know me? (I bet a lot of them think I haven’t changed.)

What would it be like, to get all of us together again? (A bit of a terrifying thought.)

Do I even want that to happen? (Good question.)

It’s strange to think about. “Nostalgia” is probably not the right word for what I’m feeling/thinking right now, but something similar, without the wistfulness bit. It’s been less than three years since I graduated high school, and yet I feel like I’m not the same person at all. I mean, heck, I’m not even the same person I was one year ago, that’s for sure. Some people *ahem-some-of-you-know-who-I’m-talking-about-here-ahem* seem to be upset by the fact that I’ve changed; others not.

The girls especially, I see pictures of what these people have become, and I honestly thank God that I did not turn out that way. Lots of these people are exactly the same, in their own way. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, but think about it for a second. I can elaborate sometime, if you want. Comment. Let me know.

Time passes so quickly. Exactly one year ago tomorrow I was getting on a plane to go to Japan. I’ve already been there, had the time of my life, met some unforgettable people, some of the best and most influential, thought-provoking people I’ve met in my life, and come back completely changed. My plans for the future changed completely. I thought I knew what I wanted, but due to quite a few circumstances (including, but not exclusively Japan) I’m not so sure anymore. I do know that it’s got pretty much nothing to do with anything I thought in high school, or even the beginning of university.

Interesting stuff. Weird, fascinating, strange stuff. Too bad I don't get to speculate more tonight though. Classes start, for me, at 8am tomorrow morning, only this year they’re in Wisconsin, not Hirakata. Boring. Well who knows, maybe there’s something exciting in store for me this semester that I don’t know anything about yet. I can hope.

Humbug = gibberish.

Really, it does. Go here (clicky-link!). I'm not lying, I promise.

So remember how, once upon a time, I thought of a blog topic before 10pm the day I'd planned to post? Maybe even wrote it ahead of time?

Hah.

Haha.

Right.

Anyway. It's Christmas soon. This does not make me particularly happy. Now you're thinking one of a couple things:

1. "Whaaaaaaatt??? How can you not like Christmas? How does it not make you happy? It's the best time of year!!"

2. "Well duh. You're Rachel. You're all dark and emo and if you liked the shiny colored lights that would throw the world off balance."

3. "Wait, I thought all Christians loved Christmas? Heck, even non-Christians love Christmas; I mean, people get presents! You're crazy."

4. Something else that I don't feel like coming up with.

See the deal is, I like Christmas. That whole Jesus-being-born-in-order-to-die-and-save-us-all-from-our-wickedness thing is REALLY FREAKING COOL and I love that. [I'm also not going to reiterate the story for you, since you've probably heard it about 8,000,000,000 times and will be again tomorrow in church. If you'd like to read it (which you should), go hereish, and hereish, and keep going. (Clicky-links!)] So yes, I like Christmas. What I don't like is all the crap that comes with it here and now. Seriously. What is up with all the lights? It's essentially a contest between neighbors to see who can have more colors on their house. If there's a story behind the tree other than to terrify firefighters at the horrible fire hazard in everyone's homes, I don't know it. The carols? Painful. The cookies? Love 'em, but after you've baked 6 dozen different kinds it starts to get a bit tedious. Finding the right gift for absolutely every person you've ever met is so difficult that I've actually given up. Immediate family and one friend- that's it. No one else gets gifts from me (a few people get cards, but that's only if I was bored at WalMart and found a REALLY REALLY good one). Even trying to sing "special music" at the Christmas Eve service at church goes sour because someone always has to get angry for no good reason.

It's all fake. Even the people who profess to love Christmas because it's Jesus' birthday tend to be just putting on a show. The gifts have become the most important thing. Everyone wants to know what they got, what everyone else got, what everyone else got for everyone else, if their gift was good enough, oh-goodness-gracious-theirs-was-more-expensive-now-I-have-to-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT. The whole thing is blown waaaaayy out of control. I don't know how it is with other families, but finding a time where we can all get together with our other relatives is just awful. They're busy this day, they can't come up then, their other family is doing this, we've got something that day... then when we finally pick a day, no one seems to like the same food. ???????? Ham, mashed potatoes, some sort of vegetables, rolls. The end. Is it that hard?

Plus, don't forget that, it's the holidays, therefore you're supposed to be happy. ALL THE TIME. Baaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The simple fact that I'm supposed to be happy gives me the insatiable desire to be cranky, sarcastic, and cynical to every person I meet (yes, I know this is bad; no, I don't always act this way; yes, this time of year I'm usually faking being festive, but not always, I admit it).

So here's me ranting about how much I HATE this stuff. I really, really do. So don't try to make me feel better. Don't try to force your horrible "classic" Christmas movies upon my poor eyes any longer. You don't have to turn down your chipper tunes about snowflakes and holding hands by the fire, but please don't be offended when I turn up my Project 86 or Alice Nine. You're allowed to like all the sparkly cliché stuff, but understand that some people don't. Try to remember that there IS a point to Christmas (that Jesus guy... remember him?). Eat a cookie or two, but don't go overboard. Keep your head. Please, for crazies like me.

Personally, I don't understand how people can actually like those horrible songs about drinking eggnog with your 'special someone.' I mean, really? I'm convinced that some married person somewhere wrote them giggling evilly and thinking about the torture he or she could inflict upon us single people. Even the cookies don't help all that much... (bring on the Since October)

Is there a point to this blog? Yes. Is it inspirational (or whatever)? Eehhhhhh... that's up to you. Inspiring you to be an optimistic cynic like me? That'd be cool. If not... meh. Whatever. I'm not really expecting to change many people's minds about putting too many ornaments on their trees anyway (I do draw a line at the plastic santas and inflatable snowmen though... I WILL ridicule you endlessly if I find out you have one, and I will NOT feel bad about it).

So happy Christmas. I hope it's mostly painless. See you next year.

Just for the record (and completely off-topic), I lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove this. (Clicky-link!) If you don't get it... I feel sad for you.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time I used to post on here regularly. Then I missed a month.

Once upon a time I used to get regular amounts of sleep, even if a 'regular amount' was four hours.

Once upon a time I knew what I wanted to do once I graduated... not sure exactly when that changed.

Once upon a time things were a lot more straightforward in my head than they are now.

Once upon a time I had motivation to do certain things that now hold little or no interest for me.

Once upon a time I was sure about things that I now question on a daily basis.

Once upon a time I didn't care so much.

Once upon a time I cared more.

Once upon a time I knew I didn't want something... now I'm not so sure.

Once upon a time I was more patient.

Once upon a time I tried coffee and didn't like it. I tried it again today. I still don't like it.

Once upon a time I thought I was knowledgable.

Once upon a time I met some people way smarter than me, and they changed my life.

Once upon a time I thought I knew how to feel things.

Once upon a time I wasn't so confused.

Once upon a time I knew who I was, and I thought that would never change.

Once upon a time I changed, and I don't know whether that's good or not.

Once upon a time certain people were important to me. They still are, but a lot of them forgot.

Once upon a time certain things were important to me. Lots of them aren't anymore.

Once upon a time I learned how to be cynical.

Once upon a time I figured out that I like it.

Once upon a time I realized that I have little patience for people who can't see past stereotypes.

Once upon a time I realized that I have little patience for people who can't see past appearances.

Once upon a time music prevented me from going crazy, in some form or another. This is still true.

Once upon a time I was scared witless.

Once upon a time I was angry. Seriously, continuously angry.

Once upon a time I knew how to cry.

Once upon a time I realized that I never really learned to rely on other people.

Once upon a time a lot of stuff happened.

Once upon a time I tried to explain it all to myself.

Once upon a time I failed miserably.

Things in life change. Things in life stay the same. It's scary. I don't like it. I can't really do much about it. That's scary too. Apparently I'm just going to have to "go with the flow," whatever that means.

I'll let you know where I'm going when I figure it out for myself. Which might be when I get there.

Or maybe I won't tell you. Who knows, maybe I'll never really figure it out.

Luck

I have started and restarted this blog several times now. I have no idea what I want to write about. Well, that's not entirely true. I have a few ideas, but nothing seems to be coming out right. It all feels fake, forced. That, of course, is not what I'm all about here. Fake is never good. I don't want to force something that doesn't want to be forced.

This is where I pull out my little notebook that's full of quotes, picka a random one, see if I get inspired.

Here goes.

~~

"Luck will come to those who laugh."

Interesting. Really interesting, actually. I haven't been doing a lot of laughing lately. Some, but honestly... life feels flat. I blame that on moving back to Wisconsin after Japan. I mean, really. I just feel bored and irritated a lot of the time. Not all the time, of course, but... more than "usual," whatever usual is. This=bad!

Duh.

"Luck will come to those who laugh." I tend to think so. I mean, it makes sense, right? Be happy smiling lovelove optimistic lala whatever and good stuff will happen. But you can take that a different way too- be joyful in the Lord and He will reward you. (I apologize if that is, in fact, quoted verbatim somewhere else, I just pulled it out of my brain.) He really will. I mean, if you're cranky at Him all the time, complaining, never paying attention to what He says, ignoring Him, I can imagine that He wouldn't be too happy. Would you be? Probably not.

It's rather important that we live our lives to the fullest FOR God. I have been taught this in Sunday school since I can remember, but have I ever actually done this? Probably not. Kinda sucks for my eternal future business, doesn't it? Well, it would, if God weren't so ridiculously forgiving. That's sure a good thing for us, or we'd all be screwed. Fiery-burning-in-Hell-forever screwed. I don't want that. I don't think anyone does. God forgives us for everything, just provided we humble up and ask for that forgiveness. This isn't an automatic excuse to do whatever you feel like all the time- God also knows our intentions. If we live for Him with all of our might, He'll reward that beyond anything and everything you ever imagined.

"Luck will come to those who laugh."

Live with joy. God is good. Life is a blessing. Just the fact that you're alive is a miracle in itself. Think about it- you're a living, breathing, thinking creature. Compare yourself to a stalk of corn for a minute. That's kindof an insane difference, don't you think? I don't think I need to explain it. If God had wanted it, He could have made another corn stalk instead of you, but He didn't. He made you, gave you parents and a home and school and me to write this blog for you to read. Isn't that fantastic? Isn't that worth laughter and joy?

Be happy. Smile. Laugh. Dance. Twirl around in a circle. If you're filled with joy, other people are gonna see it, and they're gonna get curious. They're going to want to know what it's all about, and if your joy is for God it'll be contagious.

So get ON that. You laugh, you live for God, you go to Heaven. Simple as that. Sounds pretty good, no?

The Importance of Cherries

So this Sunday at my church (the one I’ve been going for nearly 17 years) Pastor Phil preached about the Important Things In Life. Summarized, he challenged us to think of what’s really important in our lives: a grudge, or a relationship? A TV show, or a child? The answer should be fairly obvious.

No matter what you believe, you can’t deny that this has got to be right. I mean, really. If your favorite TV show is more important than the life of your child, there’s something seriously wrong with. Whether you believe in God and what the Bible says or not, you should know that everything in life has different levels of importance. Shouldn’t people be more important than media? I tend to think YES.

I struggle with it too though, really. I get soooo frustrated at people when they interrupt me while I’m doing something. What this “something” usually is, is reading a good book, writing something-or-other, watching something online, etc. I’m in my room, my recluse, but someone (usually my father) dares to knock on my door and disturb my solitariness, and I get bothered. Frustrated. Short-tempered. Why? Because I had to pause what I was doing for less than 5 minutes and answer a simple question or two. Really? How stupid is that? How can the newest episode of whatever show be more important than my family? Or the next chapter of a book? What harm would it do for me to be polite anyway? Even if whoever is wasting my time, it’ll only be a few minutes; whatever I was doing will still be there when I get back. Is it really necessary for me to strain my relationships by being curt?

So I know some habits I have are problematic. Then what?

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” -Matthew 7:24-27

Yeah. Cool guy named Jesus said that (if you don’t know who Jesus is, hit me up; we’ll talk). And guess what? HE’S RIGHT. I am the house. You are the house. What’s the foundation? Good question. I’d like to think it’s the rock and not the sand, but is it? Am I really doing what God wants me to? I dunno. I’m not perfect, I know that, and God knows that, of course, that’s why He’s there to help. I can’t do what He wants of me on my own, but I do have to take the first step. I have to take the initiative to do the right thing. To pay more attention to the Important Things In Life and less to the unimportant/less important. NOT saying that fun stuff like books and moves are bad. Nope. Not bad. I like them bunches. They just shouldn’t rule my life.

Tough stuff. I like my JDramas. I like my books. I like my alone time. BUT Faith is important. People are important. Relationships are important. I like those things too, and I need to remember just HOW incredibly important they are more often. I challenge you, dear reader, to do the same.

Song on this general theme (sort of): “Brat Pack” by The Rocket Summer

And no, cherries have nothing to do with anything. That's an inside joke with... myself. Haha I'm lame.

Trust

Trust is an interesting thing. I mean, think about it. When you trust someone you give them a part of yourself, give them control over a part of you emotionally. It's healthy to trust people though- if you don't have anyone to confide in, anyone who understands even just a part of you, you'll end up extremely lonely, among other things. It's a fine line though, trusting people. I'd like to say that you should trust everyone completely, but you just can't. You'll end up getting used and hurt and walked all over time and time again. Most people in the world can be trusted, but the select group that can't ruin it for everyone else.

I've got a good friend who is a perfect example of a trusting person. I admire it a bit, actually. She always gives people the benefit of the doubt, and she can easily give her heart over to someone without any qualms. I, myself, am a cynic. I can't help it, it's who I am. I like to think I'm friendly and outgoing, but I have a hard time entrusting myself to other people. I'm used to being in control, and I have a hard time handling it when I'm not, which means I tend to take a long time to trust people.

The two of us are pretty much opposites in this regard, as you probably gathered. The problem is, neither are really ideal. I bottle things inside- I've got plenty of friends who trust me with their stresses and problems, and I even know that I should trust them, I've got no reason not to, but I can't. It's not healthy to keep everything to myself, and I know it. My friend is different from me, but no better off, really. She assumes the best of everyone, trusts most people easily. Unfortunately this means she gets hurt a lot. Everyone likes her because she's so friendly, but everyone has also figured out how trusting she is, and that's been taken advantage of time and time again.

While I get overloaded by my emotions, problems, and issues that I keep all to myself, she opens up far too easily and doesn't know how to protect herself. Neither is beneficial or healthy, but there's only so much we can each do to try to fix it. I need to learn to open up, she needs to learn to protect her heart. Both are necessary skills to have, and we're each lacking in one of them. There's a happy medium that neither of us have managed to achieve. It's something I need to work on, and I know it.

It's a strange thing, trust. I'd like to say that everyone should be trusted completely, but that's not how it works. There are far too many people who enjoy gossiping far too much to be trusted. I've run into that recently. There are so many rumors going around, and I just wonder what makes the people telling these rumors think it's ok to spread them. Whether they're true or not, it's bad stuff, and it's that person's business. If you want to know, go back to the source, don't speculate to other people. It's juvenile, and it's low, and it's one of those things in this world that I just can't stand. Gossip, consequently, is also one of the things that I think have made me so cynical. I know far too many people who gossip about anything and everything they hear, and I don't want things about me spread around, so I just don't tell people things.

Despite the fact that I have a hard time trusting other people, I have decided that I'm going to be a person that can be trusted. There are far too many people who can't be trusted for a multitude of reasons, but I don't want to be a part of that. It's because of those untrustworthy people that there are cynics like me, and it's because of that that I strive to be trustworthy. I tend to think it's an important trait to have, and I hope someday the rest of the world will realize that.