Letting Go

So in case you haven't realized this yet (assuming all six of my "followers" actually read this, since no one ever comments on it...), I post a new blog every month on the 23rd. This month... it's been an interesting one. This entry, therefore, is going to be a little different from the past ones. It'll probably read a little more like a scattered journal entry rather than... I dunno, whatever it was before. If you don't follow it (welcome to the inside of my head) feel free to ask questions, demand clarification on something, tell me what you think, whatever. I welcome it. So anyway, here goes.

A lot of stuff has happened this past month. I left home again, came back to Wisconsin for year 2 of college. I had my first study abroad orientation (in case you didn't know, I'm going to Japan in January for a full semester... yikes!) and along with that my first sort of nervous breakdown about leaving for 4.5 months (and several more after that first one). I had what turned out to be quite possibly one of the best weekends of my life thus far, along with some really rough days. I remembered a dream (which is a big deal for me- I haven't remembered a dream since I was about 6), had a nightmare. I was reunited with some friends I haven't seen in a while, met some wonderful new people that I have tons in common with, also some people that I don't particularly want to run into ever again. I even succeeded in writing a poem that I actually like which then morphed into a song that I don't think is half bad; however, I still have to attempt to make accompaniment to it. We'll see how that goes over.

A whole lot more than that went over too, but I won't bore you with all the deets of my life; suffice to say it was a very busy, packed-full-of-junk month. It feels like the last 31 days have been one giant roller coaster, and not just emotionally, but with life in general.

After a bit more speculation (which happened today in geology class, 'cause it's BORING) I've decided that this is fairly normal- I think. I feel like people's lives are constantly filled with periods of confidence and joy followed by pain and uncertainty. Looking back on my life that's how I feel it's always been. If someone asks me to pick out the best year of my life thus far I think, "Well this year was great because of this and this and this. Oh wait, but there was this and this and this that absolutely sucked, so it can't be that year..." and so on with pretty much everything I remember. It's like happiness can't exist without sadness, beauty without pain, success without failure. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

No one wants the sadness, pain, and failure. Everyone wants to be beautiful, happy, and successful at the same time. But at the same time, without all the cruddy stuff could we really appreciate all the good stuff? I tend to think not. It's like taking stuff for granted- like that friend you never really appreciated until they weren't right around the corner anymore. As much as it sucks, I tend to think that the dark parts in life make the light even brighter. The tough part is dealing with those dark parts... The Classic Crime says it pretty well in their song "I Know the Feeling: "My heart's a hole that needs to constantly be filled with love." That's where Jesus comes in- He fills that hole. Once again though, there's a hard part: letting Him in.

Emotionally I have never been really honest with other people, or even myself. Over the years I have gotten very good at hiding what I'm really feeling if I don't feel like dealing with it. Honestly, even those of you who are closest to me can't see through it all the time. As much as this is the easy way out, making it so I don't have to talk about whatever is bothering me, it's really not healthy. It stays bottled up, honestly eating away at me from the inside out. For some inexplicable reason I feel like I need to hold on to my own problems- I'm strong, I can deal with it myself. Yeah, except not.

I just have to learn to let go of my issues. I know I have friends I can talk to; maybe I can't talk to everyone about everything, but there is definitely someone I can talk to for each individual issue that's on my mind who would understand. And, of course, God is always there. In fact, He's pretty much the most accessible of any of my friends- I don't have to go anywhere or use a phone or computer to get ahold of Him. Pretty convenient that all I have to do is pray, not gonna lie. I just gotta be like Nike and Gatorade- just do it and have it in me ("it" being God/Jesus). Easier said than done, however.

Sorry, I don't really know what this post is all about... it probably seems like a little self-help pamphlet for myself... it kindof was. However, I think it was needed. As you may have guessed, there's a lot of stuff on my mind right now; worries about my own personal issues, friends' issues, friends making bad decisions... a whole lot of crap. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I try to and want to deal with it myself, I can't. I want to take on the world, but I can't do it myself- I need support, in both people and God. It's just hard to let go.

-Rachel

Also, I think I'll just throw out a song that I've been listening to a lot recently that I think fits pretty well... it's called "I Don't Wanna Feel" by Bensonwells. Check it out.