My Place

I'm going to do something a little different this time. I'm late (I was in Tokyo and therefore didn't have access to all my usual goodies on my computer... sorry), so I'll just change things up all around instead. This month, instead of writing a blog blog, I'm going to give you a short story I wrote a little bit ago. Kinda new, kinda special... let me know what you think. :)

My Place

Congratulations. You’ve found my place.

Everyone’s got one, that particular spot where you feel safe no matter what. Sometime’s it’s secret, sometimes publicly known. Anything from a mall, to a coffee shop, to a park, to the corner of the couch in your living room will do. Everyone’s got a place, and that place reveals something ostensible about his or her temperament. It’s personal, and someone rarely feels the same way about another person’s place.

Welcome. I’ll show you mine.

First you see the gate. It’s made of iron, nearly two stories high, see? Ivy likes to crawl up the verticals; it keeps them from rusting. There are words engraved in the crossbar with silver filigree, but I’m sure you can’t read them.

「私の心は生きています。

いつも歌っています。」

Oh, to watch you struggle. It’s not even a dead language. Here, I’ll take pity. It says, “My heart is living. Forever, I’ll sing.” Pretty, no? It’s a shame you don’t notice the rest… but we must move on.

Don’t tell me you’ve seen enough? Why, this is just the introduction, the prelude. The real piece has yet to begin. It frightens you, the way you can’t see past the front of trees, doesn’t it? They’re rather foreboding, even in the daylight, but they don’t mean you any harm. They’re only trees, after all. Now, just after twilight, the leaves are black instead of green, the trunks barely visible in the shadows. Don’t worry, though, I’ve always been safe here. Come along.

It’s a rather abrupt change, isn’t it? You can feel it in your very bones. As you pass through this gate you’re leaving the city, entering the patch of untamable land the earth demands. Don’t mind the rustling, it’s just a kitsune[1] looking for it’s meal. It starts getting hungry about this time, you know.

Follow the path around here. See, it winds through the plum trees beautifully, don’t you think? Two weeks ago the attenuated branches would have been choking in pink and white blossoms, but you’re too late for that. Now they’re bare, little portals to let the moonlight through. The stars are obstructed by the wretched smog from the city, of course, but the moon is simply stunning. Look at how the fallen petals coruscate a haunting blue. I can’t look at it enough; it makes my soul hungry. When there are enough white flowers it almost looks like snow. It’s a shame it hardly ever snows here, or we could invite Yuki-Onna[2] to a little tea party, provided we brought a child for supper. Who knows, maybe there’s a Hana-Onna[3] instead. What’s that you say? Ghosts and witches are no laughing matter? Of course they’re not. This way, now.

This is my favorite part: the lake. You’ll see it in a moment, just keep following the stream. Be careful not to slip on the rocks. They look sturdy, but they’re really quite treacherous. Come now, along the boardwalk. It’s quite well built, I promise. There, see? This is the only spot in the whole damned prefecture you can see for more than fifty yards. You’re lucky, too; the full moon makes the murky water shine. Look, down into the tarn. Don’t lean over too far or you might fall. That would be a treat for the kappa[4] though, wouldn’t it? That’s why they live here; you can’t see them through the water until it’s too late.

Wait, now, what’s the matter? Don’t throw yourself about like that, you might get hurt. A face in the water? Well, of course. Didn’t I just tell you this is where the kappa live? Either that or it was a ningyo[5]. Of course they’re real, why would I lie to you? Come off the lake then, if they frighten you.

Please, don’t shriek so, I told you the kitsune were here not a moment ago. If you scream like that you’ll wake all my friends, and I still have more to show you. It may be too late for that now though. Running won’t get you anywhere; I’m sure the tengu[6] are awake now. They’re much faster, and they like a chase.

There, see? Just kneel down; the grass is soft here. Don’t be afraid of my friends. I know they must look eldritch from here, gathered all around us, but they won’t torture you. They need to live, just like any other creature, but they do not delight in pain. Well, except the tengu.

Please don’t blame me, it’s not my fault. I never once lied to you. It is beautiful here, isn’t it? Can you hear the singing? The trees, the water, the yokai[7]… even the rocks join in the chorus. It’s the most exquisite aria the world has ever heard, and with you as the soloist. How lucky you are, to have stumbled across my place on such a night! Tonight, you are the main act, with the moon as your limelight. Enjoy it. Revel in the glory. Then, morosely, you must say goodbye to everything else, for this is my place, and my place will keep you.

---

[1] Japanese legendary shape-shifting fox

[2] Snow Woman; cannibalistic figure of Japanese lore

[3] Flower Woman

[4] Japanese water goblin, known for capturing humans and eating their intestines before drowning them

[5] Japanese mermaid. Differs from the Western mermaid in that it is more like a monkey’s upper body with a fish tail rather than a human’s.

[6] Japanese monster, said to be corrupted monks with a body of dog, avian, and human characteristics

[7] Japanese word for monster, specifically of Japanese folklore

Time

I would like to start out by saying that I had a whole bunch of fabulous ideas for this blog, but I didn’t write down about half of them, so I forgot them, then had to pick between the remaining ones… it wasn’t an easy decision, but a decision was made, a bit because I’m going to try to post this at a time where it is the 23rd both at home and here in Japan. ;)

Also, it has been exactly one year since I started posting on here- February 23, 2009 was my first blog. Happy anniversary!!! Haha has anyone actually been keeping up with the posts?

Anyway. Bloggins now.

I decided that time is something that I really, really do not understand.

Seriously, what is time, really? A minute, an hour, a year. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines time as, “the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole,” but isn’t time just a human-made excuse for why we haven’t gotten something done?

I’ve half a mind to think that time does not really exist. The moon revolves around Earth, Earth revolves around the sun, the entire universe is moving and changing, blah blah blah… we just break it all down into little pieces to make our so-called ‘time.’

People are so concerned with getting things done by the deadline, being on time, being productive, making good use of their time, not wasting their time, all that business, me included. If you know me at all, you know that I get really stressed out if I’m going to be late or if I don’t have enough time to get something finished, and I get really loopy if I have too much extra free time. It’s something I’m still working on.

Time though… isn’t it just something we people use to measure the performance of other people? Don’t we just use it as an excuse to judge and control everyone else in our lives? I’m as guilty as anyone else. If someone is late, keeps me waiting, or wastes my time I tend to get really angry, or at frustrated at the very least. All of us use time to influence how other people do things. Take professors, for instance. We have deadlines for everything, from homework to papers to tests (the end of the period) and everything in between. Granted, if they didn’t give us deadlines probably nothing would get done, but they are still using time to control how we work, how we spend our free time.
(Notice how many times I’ve used the word “time” thus far?)

I’ve begun to wonder what the world would be like if we all decided to stop measuring time. I mean (correct me if I’m wrong), but no other living organism measures time like we do. Do you think cats and walruses and ants and daisies and lettuce measure how many minutes the sun was up today, or for how many seconds it was raining? I tend to think not. So if we humans stopped measuring time would everything fall into chaos? Probably. Would that be a bad thing? Maybe yes, maybe no. It would certainly be much easier to “live in the now” as bunches of people always say we should. I would kindof like to try it sometime, but I have a feeling I would fail miserably. We depend so much on being at work at 9, out of class by 3, home by 11… it makes me a bit sad to know that some invisible force such as time controls me so much.

Think for a second about a day that was a complete vacation. You planned nothing. You slept until you felt like it, ate when you felt like it, did whatever you wanted whenever you wanted, never had to worry about trains running, stores or restaurants being open, any of that. (If you’ve never had a day like this you are missing out.) Now think about how relaxed you probably were. It was probably one of the best days of your life, yes? What if every day could feel like that? I mean, obviously people have to work sometime, get stuff done, but maybe if we didn’t worry about time so much we’d be more productive. Maybe we have deadlines to be productive, but without deadlines we’d be more relaxed so we’d be more productive.

I may be crazy. It’s a nice thought though, yes?

It would be nice to live without a schedule dictating my life, without worrying that less than 10 seconds could determine whether I get on the right train or am able to pick up the right gift. There’s a good reason I wish there was a 24-hour coffee shop near where I live; I tend to keep very strange hours, and sometimes I’m wide awake at 3am, and there is no where to go. This sucks. But because of that silly time I’m stuck in my room, bouncing off the walls.

This is a lot of ramblings. I apologize for the crazy thought jumps and whatever else might not make sense to anyone but myself. What I’m trying to say is that, for multiple reasons, I don’t believe in time. I think people made up time because people are ridiculous (I’ll talk about that some other time).

Happy anniversary.

I’m off to study for two exams that I have tomorrow morning. I’m running out of time. (Can you tell where I’m coming from on this blog?)

Love you.

Motivation

It’s January. It’s a brand new year. Resolutions are made, some already broken. I made a resolution; I may actually be able to keep it this year, which is pretty exciting. This year, I am motivated (that’s part of the resolution, but not the whole thing). I am determined to actually do something worthwhile instead of just going to classes and getting my homework done on time.

I’m going to start off by saying that I am leaving for Japan TOMORROW. And it’s terrifying. But exciting. I’ll be there for four months, which is the longest I’ve spent away from home ever. It’s also on the other side of the planet, which is a big deal. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to be doing over there besides taking classes and being a tourist, but I feel like God’s got a plan, so I’m just going to go with it. If it feels right that’s got to mean something, I think.

This last year I started seriously writing. I’ve always liked to write, tinkering around with short stories and novels that never got finished (or even really started), but in 2009 I really started doing stuff, this blog as proof. I’ve got a few short stories that I don’t think are terrible; a butt load of poems, some good, others not as wonderful; I started a book that I will finish and attempt to get published; I’ve even got a few songs. I’m writing, and I’m letting people read some of it (which never happened in the past). I’m getting serious about a career in writing, and I think this year is bringing big things.

These are two big issues in my life right now, but they’re not the only ones. There are other things that are also very prevalent at the present time. For the first time some things (which are going to remain unnamed on public internet for now) finally feel right. That’s never happened before, and if that’s not a God thing, what is? I feel like I know where I’m supposed to be going, and I’m determined to get there, no matter how hard it is. I’m not alone on this journey, so I know I’ll make it.

My point here is that I’m finally motivated to do things, to get stuff done. Most of my life I’ve just kind of drifted through. I mean, I always worked hard, getting good grades in school, doing my very best in whatever extracurricular activities I happened to be in at the time, but I never had an ultimate destination, a long-term goal to work towards. I do now, and I find myself wishing I had found it earlier.

I think what I’ve found is that motivation is really, really important. A person should always be working for something. It doesn’t matter if they change their mind once, twice, a hundred times; as long as they have a goal and are really trying for it, they’ll figure it out eventually. The worst thing someone can do to his- or herself is to be stagnant, to not try. If you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same results you’ve always gotten. I don’t think that’s what anyone wants. Change is scary, but it’s inevitable; you might as well make it productive and what you want.

The ostensible goal in life is to have a great job, lots of money, spouse and 2.5 kids, blah blah blah. I say imagine your own utopia and work towards that. My ideal job likely does not have a lot of money in it, but I don’t care. If it makes me happy, that’s what counts, isn’t it?

God’s got a plan for me, and I’m determined to figure it out the best I can and make it happen. For the first time I’m motivated. It’s scarier than I ever would have thought, but in the end I know it’s going to be worth it.


P.S. Prayers for me are greatly appreciated. Safe travel, health, stress, the like. Thanks much. ^_^

Avatar

So today I went and saw “Avatar” with ¾ of the rest of my family, and I must say, it was beyond fabulous. CG (computer generation) was AMAZING, and the storyline wasn’t even lame. It was sort of a mix between Fern Gully and Pocahontas, only for grown ups. It was goooooooooood. It did, however, get me thinking (what doesn’t get me thinking? Haha).

(Skip this paragraph if you’ve seen it.) In the movie the humans have found this other planet (Pandora) that has a rich supply of some sort of rock that can substitute for oil- it’s also very valuable. The largest supply of it on Pandora is directly under the “city” of the Na’vi- the native people. The humans are trying to get the Na’vi to relocate so they can mine the rock; this is where the avatars come in. The avatars are synthetically grown creatures made from mixing the DNA of humans with that of the Na’vi which can be linked to the mind of a human so that they can interact with the Na’vi one-on-one and convince them to relocate. The Na’vi, however, don’t want to relocate, so the head of the company and the military what’s-his-face decide to force them out (quite violently). In essence, the humans are willing to do just about anything to get what they want.

Isn’t that sort of thing what people do all the time? (Without the crazy technology and aliens, of course.) Humans want stuff. It’s this world we live in- we’re supposed to want everything we lay our eyes on- jewelry, cars, toys, money… everything, and we’ll do just about anything to get it. Now, I’m not saying that everyone out there would kill thousands of people for a pretty rock, but I think you get what I’m saying. People have become so focused on material things they don’t know what else to do with themselves. They don’t know what else to focus on.

Christmas is coming up rather quickly (in case you hadn’t noticed). One thing about Christmas that really bothers me is that people celebrate it even if they don’t believe in God or Jesus; it’s become a commercial holiday instead of Jesus’ birthday. Think about it- how much time do you spend trying to find “the perfect gift” and anticipating what you’ll get versus thinking about Christ? I know I’m guilty of it- I always want to get everyone something that they’ll absolutely love and I spend a lot of time thinking about it and looking for the right gift (even though I really don’t have much money at all), but on Christmas do I ever think about Jesus at all?

I guess this is a bit strange, linking Avatar to Christmas, but I guess that’s just how my brain works. My point here is that, as human beings we really need to think more about what we’re doing, how we’re spending our time. I’m not saying don’t get people gifts for Christmas, I’m saying we need to remember the real reason we have the holiday in the first place.

So Happy Christmas.

Go read your bible.

Sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus.

Go see Avatar.

^_^

The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him “Immanuel” which means, “God with us.” -Matthew 1:23

Distress, Depress, Blight, Bruise, and End.

So this month (November), the 13^th was National TWLOHA day. TWLOHA stands for “To Write Love On Her Arms”—if you don’t know the organization you should definitely check it out. It’s an organization that I support wholly. http://www.twloha.com/ This got me thinking: what do people know about this topic? What don’t people know? Does anyone else think about it? Hence came my blog topic for this month.

TWLOHA is an organization that’s taking a stand against something that’s a lot closer to home than a lot of people think- self-harm and suicide. I know a lot of people think that only “emo” kids cut; this is not true. Self-harm, suicide, and suicidal thoughts come about because of depression, loneliness, and other negative thoughts like that. Everyone has those feelings, it’s just that the degree of the emotions vary from person to person (duh).

Self-harm is the first stage. When a person feels severely depressed, lonely, secluded, or even stressed they feel they need a way out. Unfortunately this “way” is often through cutting, burning, bruising… none of it good. Temporary fixes, they divert the emotional pain into physical pain. It’s like drugs, in a way, and no less harmful.

If these feelings and emotions aren’t resolved, eventually the person will want to quit. Quit their activities, quit school, quit life. Suicidal thoughts- these, as you may have guessed, usually lead to suicide attempts, and sometimes success. It’s a path, and one that’s hard to get out of once you’re in it.

What I think a lot of people don’t realize is that there are people right next to them having these feelings, they’re just good at hiding it. Your sibling, your classmate, coworker, best friend- they might feel like the world could end tomorrow and you might not even know. A lot of people are better actors than they get credit for.

My point here is that there’s probably a lot of stuff around you that you just don’t know about. It happened to me- between my freshman and sophomore year I experienced things that most people don’t have to deal with in their entire lives, much less when they’re 14 and 15. I’m not going to give you the details since it involves other people whose personal lives I don’t want to disclose, but I can tell you it was bad. I couldn’t figure out why the entire world was crashing down, seemingly all at once. People I had thought were perfect, who I’d held in the highest regard turned out to have committed the most atrocious acts; others who I thought were the happiest, most carefree people in the world were actually depressed, cutting themselves every night to get away from it all.

I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it. I was disgusted with myself. Honestly, it almost sent me over the edge. I had always prided myself in my ability to discern and analyze others’ emotions; here, however, I had failed miserably.

Looking back now, I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out earlier. I just wasn’t looking. If I had just taken the time to sit down with these people and sincerely ASK them what was going on, they might have opened up and the whole fiasco could have been avoided.

Really thinking about it, if I couldn’t figure out that my friends were having that much trouble, it doesn’t really surprise me that no one notices the other people around them. It’s not always the kid that sits alone at lunch who’s depressed; sometimes, but not always. Sometimes it’s the kid who looks happy until everyone looks away. The girl that covers the bags under her eyes with makeup so that no one will know she cries all night instead of sleeping.

It’s a terrible thing, this subject, but it shouldn’t be ignored. It scares people, and rightly so. It’s not something that should be taken lightly. So next time you go out, look around. Believe it or not, smiling at someone could make all the difference in the world; it could save someone’s life. Check out TWLOHA, see what you can do in your own community or around the world. However, be sure to support the cause, not just the organization. Don’t just wear the t-shirt, really believe in what you’re saying. If it truly means something to you, you’ll want to make a difference. You can, too, no matter who you are or where you live.

Please don’t ignore it.

Don’t ignore the people around you.

Muddled Ideals

So I’d like to start off by saying that October is being very strange. The snow and uber coldness then it gets all warm(er) and the leaves start to change colors… then it snows again. Well actually today it was raining the morning, then slushdropping (a mix between rain and snow- yes, I made up that word. It’s copyrighted) in the early afternoon, which turned to snow in the evening. At which time I was wearing flip flops. Smart, right? Whatever, I’m in Wisconsin now and I grew up in Minnesota; I do what I want. :)

Anyway, on to the actual topic for today.

This month, I really didn’t have a clue what to talk about. Honestly, I was sitting here on my bed at 8pm with my brain going, “________________.” Which is not good. So I clambered down (my bed is lofted), pulled out one of my many notebooks and started flipping through (I have this habit of writing down random ideas/bible verses in the middle of a notebook and forgetting about them until a much later time) to see what I might find. First notebook: not much, just last month’s blog. Eh. Not really helpful. I then, however, grabbed the tattered notebook I keep in my bag at all times (just in case) and opened it up carefully (it’s falling apart a bit). What do I find? One verse and three sentences I had written about it.

Can you say peeeeeeeeerfect? It just kinda hit me- I knew it was right. I’ve been wanting to write something about romantic relationships for a while now, but I just didn’t know where to start. While I have a ton of secondhand experience in relationships, I have zero firsthand experience, so it makes it hard to write much of anything with substance. Anyway, this verse is what I found:

“Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” -Genesis 2:24

This verse, I think, is a wonderful exemplar my views on relationships. Women are a part of men- equals in every way. Men should treat women as themselves; just as holy and pure. A man who treats a woman poorly is treating himself poorly as well.

I know not all guys are jerks- that’s just the stereotype they get a lot of times. Not all women are gentle and kind- that’s the stereotype they get. All types exist everywhere, and there is no getting around that. But I do think that everyone, whether male or female, needs to really take a look at how they treat their significant others. Do you treat them with respect, as you want to be treated yourself, or do you use them just to pass the time? I think one of the biggest problems with today’s society is “fun dating.” I don’t think it’s right to date someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. The point of dating is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with- a potential marriage partner. When people date casually it desensitizes them to real feelings, and how they should treat others and be treated.

What I’m trying to say is THINK about your relationships. Are they worth it in the long run? Why are you dating whomever you’re dating? Does it really mean something? It should.

-Rachel

P.S. There is a blog that I *think* spurred me to write down this verse; it’s called “The Rebelution” by two guys, Alex and Brett Harris. This particular entry is about chivalry, and it’s just great. I highly suggest reading it: http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/modern-day-gentleman/

Letting Go

So in case you haven't realized this yet (assuming all six of my "followers" actually read this, since no one ever comments on it...), I post a new blog every month on the 23rd. This month... it's been an interesting one. This entry, therefore, is going to be a little different from the past ones. It'll probably read a little more like a scattered journal entry rather than... I dunno, whatever it was before. If you don't follow it (welcome to the inside of my head) feel free to ask questions, demand clarification on something, tell me what you think, whatever. I welcome it. So anyway, here goes.

A lot of stuff has happened this past month. I left home again, came back to Wisconsin for year 2 of college. I had my first study abroad orientation (in case you didn't know, I'm going to Japan in January for a full semester... yikes!) and along with that my first sort of nervous breakdown about leaving for 4.5 months (and several more after that first one). I had what turned out to be quite possibly one of the best weekends of my life thus far, along with some really rough days. I remembered a dream (which is a big deal for me- I haven't remembered a dream since I was about 6), had a nightmare. I was reunited with some friends I haven't seen in a while, met some wonderful new people that I have tons in common with, also some people that I don't particularly want to run into ever again. I even succeeded in writing a poem that I actually like which then morphed into a song that I don't think is half bad; however, I still have to attempt to make accompaniment to it. We'll see how that goes over.

A whole lot more than that went over too, but I won't bore you with all the deets of my life; suffice to say it was a very busy, packed-full-of-junk month. It feels like the last 31 days have been one giant roller coaster, and not just emotionally, but with life in general.

After a bit more speculation (which happened today in geology class, 'cause it's BORING) I've decided that this is fairly normal- I think. I feel like people's lives are constantly filled with periods of confidence and joy followed by pain and uncertainty. Looking back on my life that's how I feel it's always been. If someone asks me to pick out the best year of my life thus far I think, "Well this year was great because of this and this and this. Oh wait, but there was this and this and this that absolutely sucked, so it can't be that year..." and so on with pretty much everything I remember. It's like happiness can't exist without sadness, beauty without pain, success without failure. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

No one wants the sadness, pain, and failure. Everyone wants to be beautiful, happy, and successful at the same time. But at the same time, without all the cruddy stuff could we really appreciate all the good stuff? I tend to think not. It's like taking stuff for granted- like that friend you never really appreciated until they weren't right around the corner anymore. As much as it sucks, I tend to think that the dark parts in life make the light even brighter. The tough part is dealing with those dark parts... The Classic Crime says it pretty well in their song "I Know the Feeling: "My heart's a hole that needs to constantly be filled with love." That's where Jesus comes in- He fills that hole. Once again though, there's a hard part: letting Him in.

Emotionally I have never been really honest with other people, or even myself. Over the years I have gotten very good at hiding what I'm really feeling if I don't feel like dealing with it. Honestly, even those of you who are closest to me can't see through it all the time. As much as this is the easy way out, making it so I don't have to talk about whatever is bothering me, it's really not healthy. It stays bottled up, honestly eating away at me from the inside out. For some inexplicable reason I feel like I need to hold on to my own problems- I'm strong, I can deal with it myself. Yeah, except not.

I just have to learn to let go of my issues. I know I have friends I can talk to; maybe I can't talk to everyone about everything, but there is definitely someone I can talk to for each individual issue that's on my mind who would understand. And, of course, God is always there. In fact, He's pretty much the most accessible of any of my friends- I don't have to go anywhere or use a phone or computer to get ahold of Him. Pretty convenient that all I have to do is pray, not gonna lie. I just gotta be like Nike and Gatorade- just do it and have it in me ("it" being God/Jesus). Easier said than done, however.

Sorry, I don't really know what this post is all about... it probably seems like a little self-help pamphlet for myself... it kindof was. However, I think it was needed. As you may have guessed, there's a lot of stuff on my mind right now; worries about my own personal issues, friends' issues, friends making bad decisions... a whole lot of crap. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I try to and want to deal with it myself, I can't. I want to take on the world, but I can't do it myself- I need support, in both people and God. It's just hard to let go.

-Rachel

Also, I think I'll just throw out a song that I've been listening to a lot recently that I think fits pretty well... it's called "I Don't Wanna Feel" by Bensonwells. Check it out.