Well hey, lookee this.  It has been approximately four years, 8 months, and 6 days since I last posted.  I literally had not thought about this blog in years until I went to update something on my youtube profile and noticed that this was the link I provided on it.  Hm.  I used to post on the 23rd of every month... I wonder what made me stop.
Life.
Many things have happened in the last 4+ years of my life.  I graduated university, got a job, moved to Japan.  My best friend got married, my sister engaged.  I fell out of love, in love with someone else, and am in the process of dragging myself out of that again.  Got some more piercings.  Made some new friends, lost some others.  Most of all, I like to think I've grown as a person.  I'm a little afraid to go back and read some of my past entries on this, but maybe I should, just to remind myself where I've come from.  And I probably shouldn't delete them, even if I want to.  Especially if I want to, even.  I mean, that's how it goes, isn't it?  If you don't want to clean your toilet, then it's probably time you should.  If you want to sit in your sweatpants and eat popcorn all day, you probably shouldn't.  Not that I'm a great example of doing all the things I should and not doing all the things I shouldn't, but hey.  At least I know what I should and shouldn't be doing.  That's a step, right?
That is, after all, one of the things I've learned about growing up.  Ten years ago I thought I knew everything; five years ago I thought I knew a lot of stuff; now I'm pretty darn sure that I know next to nothing.  And when you realize that you don't actually know anything, that means you've learned something, right?  You've become one inch closer to being a capable human being.  Not that anyone actually is a capable human being, I'm pretty sure, but hey.  It's something to strive for.
Honestly I'm not sure what I wanted to talk about in this blog, I just wanted to post something.  Maybe from here on out I'll post more often.  Maybe not.  We'll see.  No promises.  For the meantime, I'll give you a link for a song, as I feel like I used to do that?
Toodles.  Enjoy.
Hello Sleepwalkers - Ray of Sunlight

地震後の自信

Sometimes there are no words for what your heart is feeling.

Sometimes there's just too much to try and figure out a "correct" way to say it.

Even if you don't know much or anything about earthquakes or plate tectonics, this should click something in your brain.

I see things like this, and this, and so much more, and it just breaks my heart. Hurt and pain and destruction in a place I hold very close to my heart (for more reasons than I can possibly start to list), and there's very little I can do to help. Donate some money, maybe. Pray, continuously. But what could I possibly to to fix this? Nothing. All I can do is know that other people are doing what they can, even if it's not much, and that Japan is holding out hope.

What will happen to the nuclear reactors? I don't know. How long will it take for Japan to rebuild what's been damaged? I don't know. I can't know anything, really.

I do, though, firmly believe that Japan will recover from this, no matter what our news tabloids say about the declining population, or whatever else. They made it through so many wars, two nuclear bombs, countless other earthquakes and tsunamis... they'll make it through this too, no matter what happens. After all,

地震 = earthquake

自信 = confidence

and they are both pronounced "jishin." I feel like that means something.

Glass Masquerade

Today, I was debating about what I wanted to post. I thought about posting a real blog, I thought about posting a poem I wrote recently. I eventually decided on actually writing a post, and I even had this really good idea... I just changed my mind. Literally, when I opened the browser window. I'm going to give you the poem. The title is as it says up there- "Glass Masquerade." I wrote it for one of my classes and turned it in yesterday... it got peer reviewed, and pretty much everyone said they liked it. There was a little confusion here and there, but overall it got a good response. Anyway, I want to share it with anyone and everyone who might read this, and I really do want to know what you think. Anything from one word to a couple paragraphs (or more, if you like), I'm open to anything. Comment anonymously if you like. Whatever. I've recently been getting much more into poetry, and I really want to know if it makes any sort of sense to anyone else. So yeah. Here goes.

--

It was the night

Of your 23rd birthday

When we danced.

I didn't know you,

Nor you me,

And we were wearing masks.

You were leaning against a wall,

Out of the way,

When I found you.

You were quiet, so
I stayed.

I didn't hate you.

Silence only lasts so long;

They found us,

And we had to stop hiding.

You asked me inside your eyes:

"Please." Just please.

I agreed.

You took my hand, and

They let you go.

You can't be stopped, after all,

Whether you're smiling or

Not. But this time you did

And I was happy.

We danced that night,

In circles, together.

And we were wearing masks.

Change

It amazes me how much people change in a fairly short period of time. Just a little while ago, just for the heck of it, I was creeping around facebook, looking at pictures of people I didn’t go a day without seeing back in high school; people who were my best friends. Not trying to brag here, but there are quite a few of them. Now, I hardly keep in touch with any of them. Almost none of them, in fact. It kinda got me wondering about a few things:

What happened? (Who knows?)

When did we lose touch? (ditto)

Why did we lose touch? (…)

Was it because of college? (… quite possibly, at least indirectly)

Have they changed? (Some of them, yes; some habits, yes; others not.)

Have I changed? (Yes.)

Do I know anything about them anymore? (Not really, not anything important)

Do they know anything about me? (Probably not.)

Do they still think about high school sometimes? (I hope so.)

Would I ever want to go back to high school? (Goodness gracious no, but I’m glad for all the experiences, good and bad.)

Do they think they still know me? (I bet a lot of them think I haven’t changed.)

What would it be like, to get all of us together again? (A bit of a terrifying thought.)

Do I even want that to happen? (Good question.)

It’s strange to think about. “Nostalgia” is probably not the right word for what I’m feeling/thinking right now, but something similar, without the wistfulness bit. It’s been less than three years since I graduated high school, and yet I feel like I’m not the same person at all. I mean, heck, I’m not even the same person I was one year ago, that’s for sure. Some people *ahem-some-of-you-know-who-I’m-talking-about-here-ahem* seem to be upset by the fact that I’ve changed; others not.

The girls especially, I see pictures of what these people have become, and I honestly thank God that I did not turn out that way. Lots of these people are exactly the same, in their own way. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, but think about it for a second. I can elaborate sometime, if you want. Comment. Let me know.

Time passes so quickly. Exactly one year ago tomorrow I was getting on a plane to go to Japan. I’ve already been there, had the time of my life, met some unforgettable people, some of the best and most influential, thought-provoking people I’ve met in my life, and come back completely changed. My plans for the future changed completely. I thought I knew what I wanted, but due to quite a few circumstances (including, but not exclusively Japan) I’m not so sure anymore. I do know that it’s got pretty much nothing to do with anything I thought in high school, or even the beginning of university.

Interesting stuff. Weird, fascinating, strange stuff. Too bad I don't get to speculate more tonight though. Classes start, for me, at 8am tomorrow morning, only this year they’re in Wisconsin, not Hirakata. Boring. Well who knows, maybe there’s something exciting in store for me this semester that I don’t know anything about yet. I can hope.

Humbug = gibberish.

Really, it does. Go here (clicky-link!). I'm not lying, I promise.

So remember how, once upon a time, I thought of a blog topic before 10pm the day I'd planned to post? Maybe even wrote it ahead of time?

Hah.

Haha.

Right.

Anyway. It's Christmas soon. This does not make me particularly happy. Now you're thinking one of a couple things:

1. "Whaaaaaaatt??? How can you not like Christmas? How does it not make you happy? It's the best time of year!!"

2. "Well duh. You're Rachel. You're all dark and emo and if you liked the shiny colored lights that would throw the world off balance."

3. "Wait, I thought all Christians loved Christmas? Heck, even non-Christians love Christmas; I mean, people get presents! You're crazy."

4. Something else that I don't feel like coming up with.

See the deal is, I like Christmas. That whole Jesus-being-born-in-order-to-die-and-save-us-all-from-our-wickedness thing is REALLY FREAKING COOL and I love that. [I'm also not going to reiterate the story for you, since you've probably heard it about 8,000,000,000 times and will be again tomorrow in church. If you'd like to read it (which you should), go hereish, and hereish, and keep going. (Clicky-links!)] So yes, I like Christmas. What I don't like is all the crap that comes with it here and now. Seriously. What is up with all the lights? It's essentially a contest between neighbors to see who can have more colors on their house. If there's a story behind the tree other than to terrify firefighters at the horrible fire hazard in everyone's homes, I don't know it. The carols? Painful. The cookies? Love 'em, but after you've baked 6 dozen different kinds it starts to get a bit tedious. Finding the right gift for absolutely every person you've ever met is so difficult that I've actually given up. Immediate family and one friend- that's it. No one else gets gifts from me (a few people get cards, but that's only if I was bored at WalMart and found a REALLY REALLY good one). Even trying to sing "special music" at the Christmas Eve service at church goes sour because someone always has to get angry for no good reason.

It's all fake. Even the people who profess to love Christmas because it's Jesus' birthday tend to be just putting on a show. The gifts have become the most important thing. Everyone wants to know what they got, what everyone else got, what everyone else got for everyone else, if their gift was good enough, oh-goodness-gracious-theirs-was-more-expensive-now-I-have-to-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT. The whole thing is blown waaaaayy out of control. I don't know how it is with other families, but finding a time where we can all get together with our other relatives is just awful. They're busy this day, they can't come up then, their other family is doing this, we've got something that day... then when we finally pick a day, no one seems to like the same food. ???????? Ham, mashed potatoes, some sort of vegetables, rolls. The end. Is it that hard?

Plus, don't forget that, it's the holidays, therefore you're supposed to be happy. ALL THE TIME. Baaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The simple fact that I'm supposed to be happy gives me the insatiable desire to be cranky, sarcastic, and cynical to every person I meet (yes, I know this is bad; no, I don't always act this way; yes, this time of year I'm usually faking being festive, but not always, I admit it).

So here's me ranting about how much I HATE this stuff. I really, really do. So don't try to make me feel better. Don't try to force your horrible "classic" Christmas movies upon my poor eyes any longer. You don't have to turn down your chipper tunes about snowflakes and holding hands by the fire, but please don't be offended when I turn up my Project 86 or Alice Nine. You're allowed to like all the sparkly cliché stuff, but understand that some people don't. Try to remember that there IS a point to Christmas (that Jesus guy... remember him?). Eat a cookie or two, but don't go overboard. Keep your head. Please, for crazies like me.

Personally, I don't understand how people can actually like those horrible songs about drinking eggnog with your 'special someone.' I mean, really? I'm convinced that some married person somewhere wrote them giggling evilly and thinking about the torture he or she could inflict upon us single people. Even the cookies don't help all that much... (bring on the Since October)

Is there a point to this blog? Yes. Is it inspirational (or whatever)? Eehhhhhh... that's up to you. Inspiring you to be an optimistic cynic like me? That'd be cool. If not... meh. Whatever. I'm not really expecting to change many people's minds about putting too many ornaments on their trees anyway (I do draw a line at the plastic santas and inflatable snowmen though... I WILL ridicule you endlessly if I find out you have one, and I will NOT feel bad about it).

So happy Christmas. I hope it's mostly painless. See you next year.

Just for the record (and completely off-topic), I lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove this. (Clicky-link!) If you don't get it... I feel sad for you.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time I used to post on here regularly. Then I missed a month.

Once upon a time I used to get regular amounts of sleep, even if a 'regular amount' was four hours.

Once upon a time I knew what I wanted to do once I graduated... not sure exactly when that changed.

Once upon a time things were a lot more straightforward in my head than they are now.

Once upon a time I had motivation to do certain things that now hold little or no interest for me.

Once upon a time I was sure about things that I now question on a daily basis.

Once upon a time I didn't care so much.

Once upon a time I cared more.

Once upon a time I knew I didn't want something... now I'm not so sure.

Once upon a time I was more patient.

Once upon a time I tried coffee and didn't like it. I tried it again today. I still don't like it.

Once upon a time I thought I was knowledgable.

Once upon a time I met some people way smarter than me, and they changed my life.

Once upon a time I thought I knew how to feel things.

Once upon a time I wasn't so confused.

Once upon a time I knew who I was, and I thought that would never change.

Once upon a time I changed, and I don't know whether that's good or not.

Once upon a time certain people were important to me. They still are, but a lot of them forgot.

Once upon a time certain things were important to me. Lots of them aren't anymore.

Once upon a time I learned how to be cynical.

Once upon a time I figured out that I like it.

Once upon a time I realized that I have little patience for people who can't see past stereotypes.

Once upon a time I realized that I have little patience for people who can't see past appearances.

Once upon a time music prevented me from going crazy, in some form or another. This is still true.

Once upon a time I was scared witless.

Once upon a time I was angry. Seriously, continuously angry.

Once upon a time I knew how to cry.

Once upon a time I realized that I never really learned to rely on other people.

Once upon a time a lot of stuff happened.

Once upon a time I tried to explain it all to myself.

Once upon a time I failed miserably.

Things in life change. Things in life stay the same. It's scary. I don't like it. I can't really do much about it. That's scary too. Apparently I'm just going to have to "go with the flow," whatever that means.

I'll let you know where I'm going when I figure it out for myself. Which might be when I get there.

Or maybe I won't tell you. Who knows, maybe I'll never really figure it out.

Luck

I have started and restarted this blog several times now. I have no idea what I want to write about. Well, that's not entirely true. I have a few ideas, but nothing seems to be coming out right. It all feels fake, forced. That, of course, is not what I'm all about here. Fake is never good. I don't want to force something that doesn't want to be forced.

This is where I pull out my little notebook that's full of quotes, picka a random one, see if I get inspired.

Here goes.

~~

"Luck will come to those who laugh."

Interesting. Really interesting, actually. I haven't been doing a lot of laughing lately. Some, but honestly... life feels flat. I blame that on moving back to Wisconsin after Japan. I mean, really. I just feel bored and irritated a lot of the time. Not all the time, of course, but... more than "usual," whatever usual is. This=bad!

Duh.

"Luck will come to those who laugh." I tend to think so. I mean, it makes sense, right? Be happy smiling lovelove optimistic lala whatever and good stuff will happen. But you can take that a different way too- be joyful in the Lord and He will reward you. (I apologize if that is, in fact, quoted verbatim somewhere else, I just pulled it out of my brain.) He really will. I mean, if you're cranky at Him all the time, complaining, never paying attention to what He says, ignoring Him, I can imagine that He wouldn't be too happy. Would you be? Probably not.

It's rather important that we live our lives to the fullest FOR God. I have been taught this in Sunday school since I can remember, but have I ever actually done this? Probably not. Kinda sucks for my eternal future business, doesn't it? Well, it would, if God weren't so ridiculously forgiving. That's sure a good thing for us, or we'd all be screwed. Fiery-burning-in-Hell-forever screwed. I don't want that. I don't think anyone does. God forgives us for everything, just provided we humble up and ask for that forgiveness. This isn't an automatic excuse to do whatever you feel like all the time- God also knows our intentions. If we live for Him with all of our might, He'll reward that beyond anything and everything you ever imagined.

"Luck will come to those who laugh."

Live with joy. God is good. Life is a blessing. Just the fact that you're alive is a miracle in itself. Think about it- you're a living, breathing, thinking creature. Compare yourself to a stalk of corn for a minute. That's kindof an insane difference, don't you think? I don't think I need to explain it. If God had wanted it, He could have made another corn stalk instead of you, but He didn't. He made you, gave you parents and a home and school and me to write this blog for you to read. Isn't that fantastic? Isn't that worth laughter and joy?

Be happy. Smile. Laugh. Dance. Twirl around in a circle. If you're filled with joy, other people are gonna see it, and they're gonna get curious. They're going to want to know what it's all about, and if your joy is for God it'll be contagious.

So get ON that. You laugh, you live for God, you go to Heaven. Simple as that. Sounds pretty good, no?